As 51 regras do Power-Metal e não só

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WrathOcasteR
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As 51 regras do Power-Metal e não só

Mensagempor WrathOcasteR » sexta mai 14, 2004 4:49 pm

:D Não sei se já viram isto:


51 Rules of Power Metal
51 Rules for a Power Metal fan to avoid being labelled as gay


1. No matter what you do, you are gay
2. Don’t enjoy ManOwar, they are gay
3. Never go outside carrying a sword.
4. Don’t hold you sword and scream “poweeeeeer of steeel”. That is gay
5. Do not talk about fantasy lyrics as if they belong in metal.
6. Do not talk about fantasy worlds.
7. Never talk about hobbits. Hobbits are gay
8. Do not have a band that has the word or variation of the word Elf in it.
9. Don’t say Hail and Kill. That is quite homosexual.
10. Avoid saying, “man that guy sure has a great falsetto!”
11. If most of the singers in the bands you enjoy have voices higher than your girlfriend, you are gay
12. Scratch that, you have no girlfriend.
13. Do not buy a cd that has the word Dragon in it. Dragons are not gay but you cannot push your luck.
14. Avoid referring to Hammerfall as “the saviours“, or “the templars”.
15. Don’t listen to Hammerfall more that twice a year. Hammerfall are gay
16. Do not live in your parents basement.
17. Do not live with your parents.
18. Do not ask your mother to wash your Tolkien underwear.
19. Try to play chords that do not sound like 2nd rate Helloween.
20. That’s all you know? You are gay
21. Do not go to Renaissance fairs. That is beyond gay
22. If you go do not wear a Peter Pan outfit.
23. Do NOT carry your sword.
24. If you see a maiden ask for a blowjob.
25. Don’t talk to her about ManOwar. Refer to rule 2.
26. Do not refer to intercourse as “returning the dragon to its lair”
27. Scratch that. You do not have intercourse.
28. Do not listen to faggoth.
29. Power Metal and Faggoth combined make you a drag queen.
30. Do not get offended when people say that Stratovarius sounds like Helloween.
31. Do not write personal letters to Timo Tolkki.
32. Avoid saying “Slays.”
33. Don’t refer to Death Metal as “cookie monster crap”.
34. If you do not like Death Metal, pretend to know something about it.
35. Cradle of Filth are not Death Metal. Fag!
36. Cradle of Filth are not Black Metal. Fag!
37. Never enjoy Cradle of Filth. See 101 Rules of Black Metal.
38. Don’t masturbate to a picture of Yngwie Malmsteen.
39. Don’t masturbate to a picture of ManOwar. Cretin.
40. Don’t masturbate wearing leather.
41. Don’t masturbate wearing armour.
42. Switch hands.
43. Avoid saying the word “Power” too often.
44. If you have a band do not use the following words in your song titles: Metal, False, True, Metal, Sword, Steel, Heathen, Warrior, Metal, Kings, Battles.
45. Try to communicate with non-metal listeners. Do not brush them off as Posers.
46. Do not wear frilly shirts. Leave that up to Boy George.
47. Never say “Heavy metal or no metal at all”. In other words, don't be gay
48. Don’t wear loin cloths. You know what’s coming. gay
49. Don’t scream “metal brother” at concerts unless you like beatings.
50. Don't be Dani Filth...err i mean, NEVER carry your sword outside your house!
51. Refer to rule 1.
Última edição por WrathOcasteR em sexta mai 14, 2004 6:40 pm, editado 1 vez no total.
Eu não li as Regras para Avatares e Assinaturas.

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Quetzalcoatl
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Mensagempor Quetzalcoatl » sexta mai 14, 2004 4:53 pm

Acabas te de criar algo! Espera e vè.... :arrow:

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WrathOcasteR
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Mensagempor WrathOcasteR » sexta mai 14, 2004 4:56 pm

What?
Eu não li as Regras para Avatares e Assinaturas.

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Legião
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Mensagempor Legião » sexta mai 14, 2004 5:47 pm

Todos pensamos assim, só não o dizemos!
(sou mesmo masoquista!!!)

Bronze [RIP]

Mensagempor Bronze [RIP] » sexta mai 14, 2004 5:51 pm

Eu gosto de Power Metal e definitivamente não sou gay.
Aliás essas 51 referências abrangem muitas outras situações e bandas que nada tem a ver com PM.
Até tem alguma piada... :)

Painkiller [RIP]

Mensagempor Painkiller [RIP] » sexta mai 14, 2004 5:54 pm

Acho piada a teimosia em "querer" que os Manowar sejam uma banda de Power Metal.... Enfim :roll:

Bronze [RIP]

Mensagempor Bronze [RIP] » sexta mai 14, 2004 5:57 pm

Então são o quê :shock: Sword Metal ? Thunder Metal ? Hammer Metal ?

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Mensagempor WrathOcasteR » sexta mai 14, 2004 6:40 pm

eheh, check this too, esta já muitos devem conhecer:


101 Rules Of Black-Metal


1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren’t "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!

by Harry and Steve of Kail
Eu não li as Regras para Avatares e Assinaturas.

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Beastlike
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Mensagempor Beastlike » sexta mai 14, 2004 6:49 pm

Eu ia mesmo sugerir que também pussessem essa última, que até é a versão original, penso eu. Algumas pessoas poderiam interpretar isso como mais uma guerra santa contra o Power Metal.

Painkiller: isto é de um site "lá de fora". Gostaria de chamar a atenção para o facto de que não é só em Portugal que isso acontece, e o mesmo se passa em relação ao facto de se associar a palavra "gay" ao Power metal. Há quem pareça pensar que esse tipo de preconceito é exclusivamente português, mas por aí podem ver que a "guerra" ultrapassa as fronteiras... :D
Última edição por Beastlike em sexta mai 14, 2004 7:19 pm, editado 1 vez no total.

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Amphion
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Mensagempor Amphion » sexta mai 14, 2004 6:53 pm

Estas descrições são para ser tomadas como puro humor, e só nas mãos de alguém pouco maduro e pouco seguro da "veracidade" do seu estilo musical favorito, é que pode ser levado como ofensivo.

Assim sendo, limitem-se a ver isto como uma brincadeira, cujo objectivo é apenas entreter e não ofender.

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WrathOcasteR
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Mensagempor WrathOcasteR » sexta mai 14, 2004 6:53 pm

Eheheh e esta (isto calha a todos) mas a do Doom-Metal é a mais engraçada. Check the...

101 Rules Of Extreme Metal

01. You must listen to (and name) at least 100 metal bands (power metal not included) before you are extreme.
02. Hair must be shoulder length, longer, or completely shaved off.
03. Drummers must weigh either under 60kg, or over 140kg - No in betweens.
04. Band logos must be totally undecipherable.
05. Song tempos are only allowed to register under 40bpm (extreme), or over 240bpm (extreme).


06. Thank-you list must comprise of every extreme metal band in existence (even if you have never met the band or heard their music).
07. The police picture of your ex-vocalist’s suicide must be used for the next album cover.
08. Drummer must be limited to blast beats and grind beats (even at 40bpm)
09. Profess the glory of Satan, especially if you are an atheist.
10. Sing about ancient cultures, and invent your own language to sing in.
11. Develop cancer or a tumor of some type.
12. Refer to 1
13. Wear every manner of injury inflicting clothing - manacles, bullet belts, spiky shin pads etc.
14. Sing about the dark lord and/or gore on your first album, and then onto politics and life on all proceeding albums, apparently you 'have matured'.
15. Wear black. Always.
16. Drive a funeral car as transportation for the band.
17. Release an album, then a year later, re-release it with a bonus track just to make people buy the album again.
18. Record twice as many songs as you plan to release, then ten year's later release the album as a collector's item.
19. Record a whole bunch of new songs, add a high frequency hiss, and cut the low frequencies, then release it as 'pre-band demo recordings'
20. Guitars must be shaped so that they may be used as a grievous weapon.
21. Never ever have the same band line up for any album or tour.
22. Feud with the band members that move on to other bands (good publicity).
23. Pretend that you 'hail from Norway'.
24. Do as many side projects that are humanly possible in your extreme time budget. One band, at least, must feature a female singer (your wife, cause no one else is extreme enough).
25. Albums should either be less than thirty minutes, or exactly sixty six minutes and six seconds.
26. In summer, black clothing can be hand torn into singlets and shorts to deal with heat (NEVER use scissors)
27. Have a royal throne for a toilet seat/table seat/car seat etc.
28. Marry a girl with so many piercings, she has more metal in her than a Massey Fergusson tractor – and can never get through a metal detector at the airport.
29. Have 52 metal t-shirts - one for each week of the year.
30. Play only Jackson and/or B.C.Rich guitars.
31. The first letter of every album titles must start at A, and then progress through the alphabet. (Altars of Madness, Blessed Are the Sick, Covenant...)
32. Become a 'specialist producer' of extreme metal, and build your very own studio in the heart of the Norwegian forest (helps with Forest Metal).
33. Forest metal is running round a dark forest, with a $10 Casio Keyboard, and a $5 microphone, records your new 'extreme atmospheric project'
34. Sing about serial killers only after you've met one and formed a relationship with them.
35. Never play in key. Chromaticism is the only way.
36. Let keyboard players 'jump' from band to band (it’s the only jumping they're allowed to do).
37. Claim to have burnt down a church and gone to jail for it (even if you really haven't).
38. Say the word 'EXTREME' and cross your arms in a X shape when you shout it, as often as possible
39. Play the bass without a plectrum.
40. Play drums barefoot, or in white socks if feeling especially extreme.
41. Call everyone 'Sons of Satan' even if you are addressing a female.
42. Be involved in the porn industry in any way possible, preferably as an actor called 'Penetrator' or 'Frosty-Spire'
43. Play only Axis bass drum pedals.
44. Take speed to be the fastest band on earth.
45. Smoke weed to be the slowest band on earth.
46. Guitars must be tuned lower than Ab before they are considered extreme.
47. Guitar solos must not sound anything like Yngwie Malmsteen or blues – solos must be so fast that fingers bleed.
48. Resurrect shitty black metal bands, call yourself 'cult' and then release albums with the shittiest possible production (by referring to rule 33).
49. Television viewing media is restricted to 'The Simpsons' and 'Homicide'.
50. List 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' as your all time favourite movie, only after 'Debbie Does Dallas'.
51. Tour every country possible, but NEVER EVER New Zealand.
52. Support established extreme metal acts, become famous, and even bigger than these acts, then never have anything to do with them again.
53. Drummers: 3 bars of blast beats followed by 1 bar of drum fill. Repeat. Do not deviate from this pattern, failure to follow these instructions may make you less extreme.
54. Marshall amps suck - Mesa Boogie amps rule.
55. Never use your real name, claim your extreme parents gave you the name ‘Persecuter’ at birth.
56. Call your band 'The Next Generation in Extreme Metal' (don't forget to cross your arms) even if you sound like you came straight from the 80's.
57. Make sure your band name is the same as another band's name in the other hemisphere.
58. Cite Darkthrone as a major influence (even if you have never heard them).
59. Have even more disturbing album artwork than the last 'yesterday' extreme band. Hire a professional uber-gore-meister-artist (primarily yourself - don't forget to change your name).
60. (a) Murder a person in another band to elevate you to extreme infamousness - publicity helps.
60. (b) Then write the rest of your albums from jail
61. Say that you've recorded at Morrisound Studios, Florida, USA, with Scott Burns as producer.
62. Organise tours with at least 9 bands on the bill - $6.66 tickets.
63. Have competitions on stage to see which of the nine bands can play the fastest.
64. Always have two (or more) bass drums.
65. Head band until you get told by the doctor that those headaches indicate the possibility of serious brain damage. Carry on headbanging anyway because it is extreme.
66. When singing live, always do 'vocal bails' - do a low growl, because you know that when you go pussy high, you are going to fail it miserably.
67. Refer to 1.
68. Tell everyone that you are going to write all album material by yourself because the music and lyrics are headed in the wrong direction.
69. Join your wife's band.
70. Record an extreme metal video in ONLY ONE (1) of FOUR (4) possibly locations i) A Church, ii) A Graveyard, iii) A Forest, iv) A Castle.
71. If rule 70 ends up being too extensive, paint your band practice room black (it should be already, unless you are un-extreme), wear all black, and have different coloured instruments, so that viewers can only make out them, and your faces (which are white).
72. Bite a dove's head off (or substitute for any form of fowl).
73. All band photos must involve you holding a gun or axe.
74. All band photos must feature naked women looking like your loyal slaves.
75. Get rid of your drummer because he is too slow - get a drum machine instead.
76. Sing in as many different bands as you can possibly whore yourself too, and be totally un-committed to any of them. Unreliable as f@ck = extreme.
77. Record a Slayer cover.
78. After a band 'calls it a day', attempt to contact Rob Halford to start a new band.
79. Or alternatively, Phil Anselmo to resurrect a dead band.
80. Rip off as many samples from horror movies as possible to use in your extreme album. Copyright is for pussies.
81. Triggered drums are the only way to go, even if your snare sounds like a 6" tom.
82. Experience a heroin overdose, live through it, and say that you had to come back because Satan told you that you must piss more people off.
83. Say that you are a Satanist and that you only listen to black metal.
84. Say 'Morbid Angel is the best f@cking death metal band in the world".
85. A toilet is the best place to keep beer and alcohol chilled.
86. Kill your offspring if they become house/trance DJ's.
87. Admit you used to air guitar to KISS and that Gene Simmons is your God.
88. Listen and air drum to Motley Crue's 'Dr. FeelGood' album (yes its ok to do that).
89. Splatter as much fake blood on stage and your audience as stated in the rules of accordance in hiring your venue.
90. Wait, rules are for pussies.
91. Try to get your long hair stuck in as many people's mouths as possible in the audience.
92. Sing so brutal and low, so that people, who even know your lyrics, can't sing along, thus sound pussy in comparison to you. Exert your Extreme Dominance.
93 Recording a jam session in a blizzard on the snowy slopes of Norway is part of the pre-production for your new album.
94. Destroy as many hotel rooms as possible while on tour.
95. Beware of power metal album covers that look like black metal album covers - deception can be brutal.
96. Your middle name must be that of a weapon, succeeded by the word 'The'. eg. "John 'The Missle/Axe/Torpedo' Smith".
97. Wearing leather pants means they must be tight enough to show a dick print.
98. Corpse paint is compulsory when meeting the in-laws.
99. Lay down the smack on all people not as extreme as you, exert your dominance extremely.
100. Work/Live by a steel factory and claim that 'metal has been in my blood from a young age'.
101. The most important rule of extreme metal: “In order to create art of the most truest form, one must live it.” Kill yourself and die, and only then can you write and perform the most extreme of extreme metal possible.
Eu não li as Regras para Avatares e Assinaturas.

Painkiller [RIP]

Mensagempor Painkiller [RIP] » sexta mai 14, 2004 7:44 pm

Painkiller: isto é de um site "lá de fora". Gostaria de chamar a atenção para o facto de que não é só em Portugal que isso acontece, e o mesmo se passa em relação ao facto de se associar a palavra "gay" ao Power metal. Há quem pareça pensar que esse tipo de preconceito é exclusivamente português, mas por aí podem ver que a "guerra" ultrapassa as fronteiras...


E o que é que isso tem a ver com o facto de eu achar que os Manowar são uma banda de Heavy Metal e não uma banda de Power Metal????!!!!!!!
:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

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Errante
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Mensagempor Errante » sexta mai 14, 2004 8:02 pm

Bronze Escreveu:Então são o quê :shock: Sword Metal ? Thunder Metal ? Hammer Metal ?


só podes estar a gozar :?

Bronze [RIP]

Mensagempor Bronze [RIP] » sexta mai 14, 2004 8:06 pm

Eu não. Explica-me tu pois posso estar enganado há mais de 20 anos...

Satania [RIP]

Mensagempor Satania [RIP] » sexta mai 14, 2004 8:08 pm

Eu acho que são uma banda de Other Bands Play Manowar Kills Metal...


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